Just jokes...

[Megabyte]

Theory about dinosaurs:

OK, let's consider the physical evidence.The moon is moving away at a tiny,
although measurable distance from the Earth every year.Do the math and you
will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a
distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the
death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

 

[misi]

The history of the United States in short:

Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration.
Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration.
Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration.
Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination.
Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation.
Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection.
Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League of Nations.
Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization.
Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed Invasion.
Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration.
Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation.
Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas Station.
Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution.
Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation.
Obliteration.
Glorification.
Education?
***************************


A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

 

[TeeEm]

The history of the United States in short:

They forgot Bastardisation of the English language.
________
California dispensaries
________
Xxx **** tube

 

[foxidrive]

They forgot Bastardisation of the English language.

Yea, thou speakest truthfully.

 

[misi]

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of
corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in
with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think
Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't
like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better
now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way,
where is he?"

"Under the wagon."
**********************************

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

***********************

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Greek boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.
On the other side of town, the Greek boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"

 

[misi]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts
all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
*************************************

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?"
she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

 

[Megabyte]

As it's Halloween soon....

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a ...

BUMP ...

..

..

..

..

..

BUMP ...

..

..

..

BUMP ... behind him.

..

..

BUMP ... behind him.

..

..

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

..

..

..

..

..

BUMP ...

..

BUMP ...

..

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

..

..

..

faster ...

..


faster ...

..

BUMP ...

..

BUMP ...

..

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

..

..

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

..

..

clappity-BUMP ...

..

clappity-BUMP ...

..

on the heels of the terrified man ...

..

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

..


With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

..

..

..

Desparate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin

..


..

... the coffin stops.

 

[foxidrive]

That's a groaner! hehe



An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

 

[misi]

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

 

[Megabyte]

Re: Testing

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.



“You just won’t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.”



“Oh yes dear, what happened ?”



“I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.”



“Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?”



“Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”

 

[foxidrive]

Re: Testing

“Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”

That was shocking, Megabyte, but illuminating.

 

[misi]

Re: Testing

That was shocking, Megabyte, but illuminating.

I had to read it again and again to understand it.

 

[misi]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them, then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.
************************************************

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked
what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's
Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

 

[misi]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first
assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous
young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,
and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute
and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to
disagree with the General, so he saluted again and
replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a
stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.
Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but the private was just a
private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,
the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
*******************************

You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant.
Guess what? His penis rejected it!
**************************

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert.
After a few days the camel falls over dead.
After looking over the situation the priest figures neither
one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at
this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"
The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments
sincerely how wonderful they are.
The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before,
could you show me yours?
The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?"
After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that right" the nun replies?
"Yes," says the priest.
So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up into that camels ass and
lets get the hell out of here!"

 

[Megabyte]

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."


"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"


"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."

 

[misi]

A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford
the stud service so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't
afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes
on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out
of the farmer's price range.

Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything
else?"

Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough
to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs
out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields
and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll
get them pregnant."

Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put
the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later
that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the
next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and
drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking
around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes
back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week
and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks
his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"

Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back
of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

*****************************************************


Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up.
Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.
Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.
"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.
"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.
"And the bad news?"
"Mine died"

 

[misi]

"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."
***************************************

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

 

[Cheeky Chef]

More a story than a joke...

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

[foxidrive]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then,
a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself
out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man
standing at the door. It didn't take the home owner long to realize the
man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs
the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and
slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out
"Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

[misi]

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?
*************************************************


A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father
of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU
think."