Just jokes...

[misi]

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

 

[misi]

Kinky Cannibal
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping her boyfriend?
A: Wipe her butt...

 

[misi]

Puzzle Pieces

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"
One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"

 

[misi]

The Praying Parrot

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot.
The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray.
She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers.
An older gentleman was simply amazed by this.
''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse.
She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him.
The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

 

[misi]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

 

[misi]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a alligator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

[foxidrive]

Diary of a Brisbane Summer (by a Pom)

August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th:

If another wise a*se cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my a*se was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my a*se. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se, and baked cat.

November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my a*se out of jail for assulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:

WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding

 

[Deb]

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the
field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of
sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead,
only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies
as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field
once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of
sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been …
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seriously hampered.........

 

[misi]

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?

"Not according to Dad."

 

[misi]

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer)
asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the
audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...

" I want you to think about something.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out ...
"Then forking stop clapping, ya arsehole !"

 

[misi]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "fork You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

[misi]

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

[misi]

??
Long and thin?
Short and thick?

No!
Long and thick!

 

[misi]

 

[misi]

Is she Joke-ing ?

 

[misi]

 

[misi]

Three surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.
When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.
When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other two surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why?

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

 

[misi]

Doctors funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........
I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted... :

 

[Dane]

Two Victorian men were driving through Queensland when they got pulled over by the police. The constable walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Queensland." the trooper answered. "When we pull you over here, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from Victoria."

The constable runs a check on the guy's license-he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and"WHACK", the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type," the cop says, "two kilometres down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that sheet with me!'

 

[misi]

A Harley owner wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Harley owner to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Harley owner understood and was ready. The time came to have the Harley owner jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Harley owner that he would be right behind him. The Harley owner proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Harley owner. The Harley owner seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"