misi
Growing Little Guru
Why do bankers make great lovers?
They know the penalty for early withdrawal.
They know the penalty for early withdrawal.
Just jokes...
- Thread starter misi
- Start date
Megabyte
Well-Known Member
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard.
He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said.
"When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
[/FONT]
He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said.
"When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
[/FONT]
misi
Growing Little Guru
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
misi
Growing Little Guru
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his
colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing,"
he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here
in the hospital."
****************
A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.
They could not get the draw bridges down for a week.
*******************************************
Mr. Schwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing,"
he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here
in the hospital."
****************
A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.
They could not get the draw bridges down for a week.
*******************************************
Mr. Schwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
C
C
Cheeky Chef
Guest
Q. How many Mistresses does Tiger Woods have ?
A. 18... One for each Hole !!
A. 18... One for each Hole !!
misi
Growing Little Guru
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
*************************
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman,"
said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest.
"I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
*************************
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman,"
said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest.
"I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
misi
Growing Little Guru
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
misi
Growing Little Guru
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
**********************************
A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it.
Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."
The guy goes to his own blind.
Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"
Breasts don't have eyes.
**********************************
A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it.
Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."
The guy goes to his own blind.
Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"
Megabyte
Well-Known Member
Joke found in a cracker:
Q: What did the shy pebble say?
A: I wish I was a little bolder
Q: What did the shy pebble say?
A: I wish I was a little bolder
foxidrive
Retired Admin
Megabyte
Well-Known Member
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his
nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.
However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his
nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.
Megabyte
Well-Known Member
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs!
A: Snowballs!
The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at
the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because
I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit
me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at
the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because
I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit
me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
okeedokee
The Bastion of Belmont
LOL...............
misi
Growing Little Guru
I'm overweight by about 10 kilos,sounds the perfect diet to me.
I'll let you know about the result.
(Provided not ending up in a hospital,"with tubes coming out of most of my orifices")
misi
Growing Little Guru
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered
off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was
given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to
the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
*************************************************
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S
"What's that?", the patient asks.
"It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis."
The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds,
"We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but
pancackes."
"Why only pancackes?", asks the patient.
The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
*********************************************************
What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered
off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was
given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to
the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
*************************************************
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S
"What's that?", the patient asks.
"It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis."
The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds,
"We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but
pancackes."
"Why only pancackes?", asks the patient.
The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
*********************************************************
What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
misi
Growing Little Guru
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a female employee was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she tossed her golden locks and replied " I was told it had to be at least 8 characters!"
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she tossed her golden locks and replied " I was told it had to be at least 8 characters!"
misi
Growing Little Guru
What do you call two guys in a sleepping bag?
A gay time....
A gay time....