Just jokes(2)

[aye-aye-Chris]

A man is seeking to join the Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six muslim extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?”
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

 

[foxidrive]

Oh oh, it looks like you and I are immigrating Chris.

Queensland's premier wants to drive bikies out of the country and will call on other states to support uniform anti-gang laws.

The Queensland government will introduce its anti-bikie laws to parliament on Tuesday, which includes a ban on the wearing of gang colours in public.

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

Oh oh, it looks like you and I are immigrating Chris.

Maybe... we might have to. Is your licence still valid? Mine is.. I need a trike though.... :-/

 

[misi]

Chris and Foxi:

 

[foxidrive]

Chris and Foxi:

Typical! Eyes not on the road Chris, you Sunday driver!

 

[misi]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the
pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".
Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They"re packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so
on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bullsheet might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

[misi]

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

 

[foxidrive]

I get a call from this mob every so often and look up the number again. It's on the missed call list and I hate telemarketers.


This post makes me laugh every time I read it and it may be funnier to me because my parents were born in Germany.
I know the guttural sound of the German language and can imagine the sound of a poem being read to someone that doesn't have any contact with the language.







It is a charity collection for the guide dogs.

 

[misi]

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day.
So they set off and are seeing lots of animals.
Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house.
The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That, son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

 

[foxidrive]

 

[misi]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

 

[misi]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

[misi]

Politicians are like sperm.
One in three million might become a man.

 

[misi]

Three nuns are killed in a car crash and they get up to heaven.

St. Peter's at the gate and he says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to answer a question before you can come in."

He says to the first one, "Don't worry the questions are very easy. What was the name of the first woman?"
And she says, "Eve," and he says, "Yep, you're in."

He says to the second one, "Where did Eve live?"
And she says, "Garden of Eden," and he says, "Yep, you're in."

He says to the third one, who was the mother superior, "I'm afraid the question is going to have to be a little bit more tricky for you."

"What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"
And the mother superior says, "Oh, that's a hard one, " and he says, "Yup, you're in."

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

Job Interviewer: it says here you're extremely fast at maths. What's 35x19?

Me:47

Interviewer: Not even close.

Me: Maybe, but it was quick.

 

[misi]

Beer vs. Cat

Spoiler

Beer vs. Pussy: The Playoff
1. Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer, you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy

5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy

6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy

7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy

8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER

9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY

10. In most countries, there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY

11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER

12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER

13. If you shake a beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER

14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER

15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER

16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER 9, PUSSY 7

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is BEER

 

[misi]

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my Degree on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."

 

[misi]

Don was looking for a little "action."
He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times, she was screaming for more.
After the *eighth* time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped in the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick.
After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said:
"Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

 

[misi]

It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.