Just jokes(2)

[misi]

Instead of bringing down a house destroyed by a tornado in Rowlett, Texas at 7601 Cousteau Drive, the wrecking crew demolished another home at 7601 and 7603 Calypso Drive, a block away.

Here is another link to the story.

Diaz says the demolition crew, who were still at the site of her home when she arrived, did offer a kind of explanation. One employee told her they had been due to tear down a house at 7601 Cousteau Drive, one street away, but their GPS mapping system had taken them to her home at 7601 Calypso Drive instead.

Good excuse.
Blame Google!

 

[TeeEm]

Are you offended at the post in this thread, TeeEm? You didn't make any comment to your new link above.

Nah.
You said it all with your comment regarding the bloody stupid litigation mad Yanks.

 

[misi]

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

 

[misi]

TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times
you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and
tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get
more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fork the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed
and were forking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was:"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

[misi]

An Aussie was marooned on a desert island.
His only companions were a male dog and a female koala.
The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the koala senseless.
"Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag myself. "
One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.
"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.
"Great, at last, after all this time!!!
Take the dog for a walk, love, while I shag this koala."

 

[misi]

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away.

On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again.

Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the mosquito?"

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

True story? You decide...

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real piece of work, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The driver instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc, in rather explicit and offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. When presented with his copy, he points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer, is this a copy of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

"Well, sir, it looks like you know your client better than I do!"

 

[Deb]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."

 

[Megabyte]

One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

Stud rooster learns that wisdom trumps youth ​

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says, ‘Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about two metres behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Roster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

The farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…third gay rooster I bought this month!’

Moral of this story?

Don’t mess with the the older generation. Age, skill and wisdom will always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

[misi]

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.

“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said.
“They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
********************************

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery.
Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

 

[misi]

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend:
“All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier:
“The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

 

[misi]

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:
"There is no justice in this world".

The other lady says: "What do you mean?"

The first lady says: "Look at that".

When I was 10 Years old I was afraid of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.

And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!

 

[misi]

Well there's one thing that nine men can do at the same time that nine women can't.
Pee in the same bucket at the same time.

 

[foxidrive]

Pee in the same bucket at the same time.

I bet they don't all make it in the bucket.

 

[foxidrive]

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-08-09/peta-wants-tasmania-eggs-and-bacon-bay-name-change/7705166

 

[misi]

"This name change could be just what the doctor ordered."

 

[foxidrive]

could be just what the doctor ordered

I'm sure that many doctors enjoy bacon and eggs for breakfast.

 

[misi]

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
*******************
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."