Lawyer jokes

[misi]

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said:
"I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month."
He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked:
"What can I do for you, sir?"
"Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."

 

[misi]

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa.
Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa.
Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Soooo, these tigers.... why were they riding donkeys?

 

[foxidrive]

Soooo, these tigers.... why were they riding donkeys?

They were American Tigers

 

[misi]

What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.

 

[misi]

A couple were driving to a church to get married.
On the way, they got into a car accident and died.
When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate.
They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing.
They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while.
But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

 

[aye-aye-Chris]

How to Hire an Honest Lawyer . . . and Other Oxymorons is attorney Mel Martin's definitive and hilarious guide for when you do have to hire a lawyer. Here you will discover:

• How to choose an attorney by his appearance (Get the rumpled one)
• What paralegal really do (get donuts and move furniture)
• Why you never spit on the legal secretary's ficus (she's tougher than you)
• Easy steps to make your attorney drop you before you have to pay (harass him, it's legal)
• The correct way to interpret an attorney's bill (don't pay it)
• How to make sure attorneys pay for their own lunch (eat at different restaurants)

If you have ever dealt with a lawyer, been involved in a legal matter, or just want a genuinely funny book to read, this is the one for you. Pick it up and start laughing.

(comments from the web site, not mine,)

 

[misi]

"AN HONEST LAWYER"???

 

[foxidrive]

 

[misi]

On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him
sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible.
"What are you doing?" asked the friend.
"Looking for loopholes," replied the lawyer.

 

[foxidrive]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[misi]

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

***********************************************************************
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

 

[misi]

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven,but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell.

The lawyer asked: "Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"
The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."

 

[foxidrive]

• The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only A Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

• I prefer not to think before speaking – I like to be as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

• When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. It's only difficult for others. It's the same way when you're stupid.

• So, when is "Old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?

 

[misi]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"