Lawyer jokes

[misi]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

 

[misi]

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible
donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an
automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30
years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why
he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the
patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

 

[misi]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire' and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

ONLY IN AMERICA!

He deserved that 24 months!

 

[misi]

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

 

[misi]

A local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to thecommunity in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,
"-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep,completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:
"-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[misi]

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.

 

[misi]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

[misi]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

 

[misi]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

 

[misi]

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

 

[misi]

A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer.
But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place.
The funeral comes and goes.
Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation.
The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"

 

[misi]

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of
lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His
partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
******

How are lawyers like sperm?
One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

 

[misi]

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his law firm kept
receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the
standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to
realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept
calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like
to hear you say it."

 

[misi]

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

"Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied.

"Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk.

The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.

The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it.

But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"

 

[foxidrive]

This is part of that joke ,that I heard before

Another Husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to is lick it.

 

[misi]

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live.
The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night.
So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed.
Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him.
The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."
**********************

 

[Megabyte]

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called Sosumi.

 

[foxidrive]

It's called Sosumi.

 

[misi]

Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet underground?
Because deep down, they are really nice guys.

 

[misi]

Q: What do you call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: Why won't sharks devour lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.